This Isn't Happiness

Why?

What is the reason, why do I have to endure sadness?

When all I can think of is infinite pointless drama of life.

I will die sooner or later.

Where in the world can I find the meaning?

If I exist to help others, how can they be sure I got the answer if I myself is a disgrace in the making?

How does it affect me in the long run?

I will die sooner or later... Why not now?

Sometimes, I pray to God to take me. God just kill me.There's nothing in here for me really.

Why do I have to face these motherfuckers and pathetically do them good if I can't even find the answers to my own problems?

Lord how can I nurse the patient if I am cripple?

If you think I deserve to be this pathetic dirtbag with no future, why don't you just kill me.

It is much better that way.

Just find somebody else to help those people in need.

I need you, I need answers.. But I'm tired. Maybe they are not.

Just kill me, so that I may find refuge.

I will live in peace.

I will get numb, no feelings, cold...

I tried very hard, but it seems like every single day I fail.

If I make myself believe that I am closer to where I suppose to be, I feel like a fool. Do I look stupid?

Yeah maybe I am stupid. I am really stupid.

What seems to feel right always hype up and then speed down the drain. I am zero.

Call me zero.

Why?

And so I write.

And so I sleep.

And so I work.

And then what?

I just live each day, moving farther and farther away from reality.

This isn't happiness...