Done.

 I dont know if comes with maturity or years of being on the same spot all over again, but this time I didnt cry hard.

Done with walking on eggshell.

Done pretending.

Done assuming.

Done with my accusations based on gut feel which he denied then in the end were all true.

Done with him future faking. He doesnt even had a single time to plan to go somewhere except malls (like what?)

Done with getting him experience the world by travelling, fuck that. He couldnt even show a little bit of excitement or interest on every country we've flown, every new places we went just nonchalant, ungrateful narc.

Done with giving him money. For letting it "ikot" and "kita" after sugal. Darn! 

Done with downplaying all his revelations like I had a son after we had my first born. Or he did not graduate college, after my second born. The best was, I had livein partner for 3 months because I didnt have work and I coulnt go home because theres a possiblity I cant enter anymore.

When asked why is Macau the only country in the world why you cant just go fucking home. Answer was, hes lived in with the girl a motnh after he flew to Macau. Not just 3 motnsh but for like almost a year! And said it was over, then I was like meh okay forgiven. Only to find out, they are still together living on the same room! DONE WITH WEB OF LIES.

Another best thing was when I asked him does your unclde kew you "had" gf? He answered "Hindi papayag yun." When I saw his phone his uncle was their photographer in Londoner HAHA! Like WTF.

Best again is white lies then that fucking GRIN with no tooth on the side. It's not lie thats deceipt fucktard!

Done with me not respecting myself, to always be battered with disrespect and deceipts over and over again! What was I thinking?!

Done affirming myself that I love him, because I dont - it's trauma fucking bond.

Prayer of a Single Mom

 

photo credit https://composerinthegarden.com/tag/daffodils/

Lord Jesus, I pray to you

That we may be healthy Khaled Eloise and Me.

To have a happy and simple life.

To travel the world, with our very own family (Lola, Lolo, Faye, Mai and Liam).

To have a decent home where we can finally live together as family.

I pray that I will be enough to my children.

That they may not ask and need their father, for all his sins.

That they may excel in studies and have a decent work , may chose the perfect partner from the LORD JESUS CHRIST, and have a complete family.

That my children will be brave and strong, wise and knows how to value love and trust and respect and loyalty and humility. That they may never crave lust and all the sins of the world.

Give my children strength to face all life's turbulence, and let them have peace of mind to make sound judgement. Bless them father.

I pray they may always come to me, for love and comfort and joy that only a mother can give.

All their problems I pray they share with me, and please Lord grant me a sound heart and mind to give the best answer to all their questions.

As a single mom, Lord, help me. Help me navigate this life all by myself and to teach the rigth direction to my children. Bless me Oh Lord, all the resources I need to support them as I grow old and frail. Make me strong to carry them to the top and be the best versions of themselves.

Bless me Oh Lord, to be with them as they grow old and have families. I would love to see my grand children and take care of them. I want to live a hapy life with my kids, grant this thru Christ. Amen.

Pinili

 Una sa lahat, pinili ko to.

Masakit yung paulit ulit kang sinasaktan, pero pinili mo pa ding mahalin.

Masakit yung kahit anong gawin mo, ikaw lang pala ang lumaban hanggang sa huli.

Masakit yung malaman mo na may iba na pala, hindi mo pa alam.

Masakit yung taong binibida mo sa ibang tao, yun pala ikaw niyuyurakan na sa iba.

Masakit yung malaman mong nagtitiis ka sa hirap ng laban ng buhay bilang isang ina, habang sya na man may kayakap ng iba at may ngiting tagumpay.

Masakit yung taong buong puso mo pinagkatiwalaan, bumuo na pala ng sariling buhay kapiling ng iba.

Masakit yung akala mo sya yung katuang mo sa laban ng buhay, pero hindi na pala ikaw ang pinag sasabihan nya ng mga ganap sa buhay nya.

Masakit yung akala mo may papel kapa sa buhay nya, binigay na pala nya ang susi sa iba.

Masakit yung, niloloko ka. Para ka na ding sinaksak patalikod habang naka ngiti.

Masakit yung pinili na nya, kahit anong tanggi tagos sa buto. Pinili na nya ang iba. 

Masakit yung ilang taong binuno kasama ng mga bata, mauuwi sa alikabok na prang tinangay ng hangin. Napuwing, umiyak, natulala.

Masakit yung makita ang mga bata, maghanap ng kalinga ng ama. Na hindi ko maibibigay kailan man.

Masakit, maiwan, magisa sa ere ng taong akala mo sya na.

Masakit pala. Masakit pala, kung mali ang pinili mong mahalin. Hindi lang ako ang pusong nawasak, may dalawa pang umasa.

Masakit, dahil sa lahat ng sakit ayaw kona sa iyo. Sinaktan mo lang ako. Ginamit. Niloko. Pinaglaruan.

Pinagsamantalahan. Daig ko pa ang nagahasa ng syam na taon. Apaka dumi. May tao pala na labis ang sama ng ugali katulad mo. Tama ka sa isang bagay, ikaw ay isang demonyo.

Hindi ko sinusumbat lahat ng nagawa ko sa iyo, tunay lang akong nagmahal. Hindi ko lang malubos isipin na eto ang kahahantungan ko sa mga kamay mo. Mga kamay na may tinik, pusong may lason, matang nakaka bulag. Katabi ko ay ahas, na unti unti akong pinapatay sa tuklaw.

Higit sa lahat, masakit maging manhid. Hindi ko na alam, pano ang tunay na pagmamahal pagkatapos neto. Takot, wlang tiwala, di na papayag, ayaw na ng pusong ginawang bato ng taong wla naman akong ginawa kundi mahalin ng buong buo. Sa huli, ako pala yung talo.

Masakit. Ngunit, di nakakagulat. Una sa lahat, pinili ko ito.