Sweet Escape

 Im planning for our sweet December

Our sweet escape

A rebirth and new beginnings

With my little ones.

Only us.

Us forever.

Unmasking

 He is a drifter.

He can use you. You can use him.

He never stays. He never settles.

He is full of mysteries, shame and guilt.

There is no truth upon the words he utters.

There is no honour in his words.

He is everything you want to be and everything you despise.

He never understands the fulfilment, satisfaction and pure joy behind the truth.

He lives in lies. His life is a lie.

His brokenness consumes his whole being.

He is with endless battle with himself.

A fallen soldier. A disguised person of strength but the truth is he is hopeless and weak.

He is his own villain.

He is a poison. He preys on vulnerable and weak.

He has no respect. He has no boundaries.

Stay away, before he gets you into a downward spiral.

He confused lies with love. Stay awake! Stay awake!

He doesnt know the feeling of true love.

He imitates life. He is a con artist. He is never authentic. He is never real.

Do not be fooled by the devil for he will linger a little longer to make your life a living hell.

He never shows true feelings. He is numb, cold as ice with a heart solid as rock.

He is a shadow of a doubt. The evil darkness that will cast upon everyone he comes across with.

For he will steal the life out of you and kill the fire burning within you.

He is broken, a drifter that is a waste of life.

September

This month is the start of a new beginning.

Like any other beginnings, it is tough, with many adjustments, many unknown, so scary and it felt like the Lord has yet again push me to "change".

Not new to me, though I cant help to think that it's always to experience something new that is bound to fail. On the side, I'm getting something out of it. Lessons and probably experience that's worth trying before the night falls (if yah know what I mean).

Every time I failed bigtime I'm launched to something greater in due time, and what I meant by due time is a lot of waiting time. It's a waiting game.
How much long should I wait, or really should I wait if I have my two warriors already? I guess it's up to the Lord and me to plan the next chapter of our lives as a little family.

I want a life that's simple, full of love, happiness, honesty, contentment and most especially GOD CENTERED. 

Well Im complete definitely, Im blessed with 2 beautiful babies what more should I asked. To have a partner is just an icing on top. Whether there is or none for me in love department, I'm okay I guess.

I cannot complain, I accepted the person with their flaws and brokenness with the hopes of converting them to something else. Like a turtle to an elephant. So illogical right? Well that's my reality for 9 years. An Illusion, a fantasy I imagined but not coming into life.

I learned the hard way, that fixing a broken person will only break your soul. Trying to fit in their world is not happiness. Trying to convince yourself that it is okay is self betrayal. Consolation? I have my babies!!!

This life is funny, one day your okay so it seems the next day your down to hell again. Starting all over again, filling the gaps of years of sleeping in nightmare. In faith and believing and trusting that everything will work out fine if you just hang on for awhile.

But it's not. Baby girl, please do not accept what I accepted. Mapapatay ko yan! haha!

So this is it, my life. After the rollercoaster God finaly sent an ultimatum to finally end this chapter of my life, a closure to this nonesense I guess if we only delve on the ugly part.

Actually this is long time overdue, I should have walked away a long time ago. Im not making excuses God Im sorry but I saw this coming, I just dont want to put it to rest yet because if so all these battles worth fighting for will go to waste. Im glad I waited a little longer until the fire burns slow. Im glad I did not gave up. Im glad after all these I have my babies before the great fall.

Im awake God, thanks for being there for me along the way. For saving me in times I close my eyes and pretend that nothing is wrong. You are the light at the end of the tunnel.

I love you, Jesus.

Mothering

Time check 10:06 am, im here sitting at the dinner table with my laptop and so-called slimming coffee.

I just finished giving meds to baby boy, done cooking goto and feeding both of them as well while working on my laptop on the side.

We woke up around 8am, by this time I'm already exhausted.

As of this writing I can hear Eloise "mama o-o si Khaled.". MOTHERING is non-stop work, physical mental emotional. It is so exhausting and I get burnout in a span of just 2 hours based on my timing.

(**hold-on will have to wash the poo.**)

While I tear his diaper pants and dispose the poop, he took the initiative to sit. To think the poop messed with the bowl while his left hand is on top of the smear is another mental load. On top of that I can hear the little girl say "mama, o-o den ako" where I haven't done 50% of his brother's business yet. If you are new to mothering (not parenting because the partner is just working and not taking care of the kids) what would you do to this kind of situation?

Wash his bum, let him stand wash his hands and change to new nappies. Flush then dispose soiled nappies. Then ask his sister, do you need to poop? You can use the loo.

This happens frequently in a day, not just once but twice and even more. Imagine just doing that on a daily basis. I do it basically auto pilot when we are nearing end of day, when I get so numb twirling around doing stuff. Like imagine I-don't-give-a-fuck-face.

(**hold on this fly since yesterday still hanging around. Really hard to kill this pesky shit. Also need to tell the kids to stop jumping in the bed for like 100th times already.**)

This is just me and it's only 10:32. I havent cook the lunch , dinner and even prepared the kids to siesta and their merienda. Not to mention the 4 to 6 times a day cleaning milk bottles cause I only got 4 sets and need to feed them on demand. Also dont forget the breastfeeding during sleeps and breaks if the baby boy needs it. See this life is rewarding because I prayed for them, to have kids but man was I informed this is so tough especially as a single mom I should have hired a katulong even before they were born so we can build trust. But not now, too late it's too risky. I can only depend on my parents when they are available. My mom on Thurs and Friday when I work in the office while I bring my eldest daughter. My dad, sometimes when I have a conference call at home but not all the time. He brings us food and help with removing trash and it's a big help. But not on a regular basis. Parents are important, they are the only once who can help, I have sisters but they have their own lives and they dont even bother so I dont mind. It's not like I need them to help me, but when time comes they need me maybe Im not available as well lol.

So I appreciate my mama a lot, she raised me with the other 2 siblings on her own with papa working abroad. It is tough pala. SUPER.

Anyway time check10:41 am kids are playing in bed room. Good thing I have to share this with you even for a short while I can breathe in and out even if it is not a quiet peace. It doesnt exist in my reality.

xoxo,

Fran

PS soa yun nga nga around 10:50 kids jumping Khaled fell off the bed. 

In a span of one week siguro we went to ER twice, about 2 weeks ago. Because his eyes bled he jumps the bed and his eyes tumama sa office table so I secured it with foam na. Then yung birthday ko sa hotel tumama face sa floor he got cuts on his lips na malalim and muntik na kame mapa ER kahit I am with mama still accidents happen like these, lalo sa batang makulit.

No Respect

If you will ask me the way I define these kinds of people depends on how you perceive them.

Like they make money because they cheat.

If you were offered the same chance as them to be illegal and capable of stealing millions of moneys from taxes and spending it personally, then you define them as being lucky. That is their luck.

If you think you were able to pursue your bear minimum potential feeding off of their 0.0000000000001 wealth, then you may pretend them being "blessed". They deserve the wealth.

But if I'm being honest, these kids who have zero experience in struggles of being poor, who are raised with a silver spoon doesn't have the real experience of what it's like to be one and so it's an eye sore to see them flaunt their fame and lxurious lifestyles on socmed like they earned it. To enjoy the life of luxury when they had less to no effort in really producing that kind of wealth to live that kind of lifestyle. It's disgusting. We all knew the truth, it may seem like jealousy, but the fact is it's really inappropriate to flaunt if it was never yours in the first place.

For those rich kids who worked their ass off, so called NEPO baby - no fucks given. You are still lucky you get help. I get it, but still you wont be able to do it without your parents, surprise surprise we all know that since day 1. These entitled mother fuckers.

Sweet November

 As the year is coming to end I just want to reflect on all things good and bad in my life. Things that happened in the past months and my current situation. So speaking current situation here is a real time photo of my work at home life with two kids, luckily, I have here my papa to help out with alaga and luto and everything else.

So I took a picture of my home office, a total chaos knowing the table also serves as jumping board for my two littles.

How am I?

I cannot put into words how overwhelming this is. To be a parent, a mother of 2, a wife, a full time IT professional (flex ko na den haha!). Like I normally dont have assist from anyone except on thurs and fri where I go to office with Eloise, mom is here to look after Khaled. But then again I still look after Eloise while working.

 And Just this week, I just gave in and ask papa if he could also help me Mon to Wed haha! So to ask how am I is just unfathomable haha!

Im good, I feel alright with a little bit of anxiety here and there. At times I scream when things arent in control especially with kids but I make it up with them instantly. Saying sorry for shouting or screaming infront of the kids is not ideal , but given my situation I think it is also important to show the real side of me. How can I hide my emotions e maliit lng bahay namin haha but kidding aside I think it is also important to show your kids your raw true self so they'll learn as they grow up that mama is strong and weak at the same time. That I need to make them understand why mama did it so they would know what is wrong and right and probably (like 20% chance) of not repeating what they did wrong.

I am always thankful to God that he made this life possible, when it seems hopeless he turned it to something better that I can imagine. Though it is overwhelming,  I let it all sink all these feelings and emotions knowing that they grow fast as hell I even have this wall to  measure their growth each month.

How I love mothering though it is tough, but to be with them is to realize you come to multiply and gave a whole new meaning of life. My life was never the same the moment I laid eyes to my eldest, Eloise. My life is over when I laid eyes on Khaled haha! Youthful, single life. As these years to come is about child rearing and making sure they are safe and love to the fullest.

They are here later nlng haha!

So Ayun na nga time check 4:16 in the afternoon not yet done with work doing stuff like these while enjoying my fathers company (bumili pala sya ng merienda). 

Reflections so many things like how we overcame the persistent bronchiolitis ni Khaled, to almost every other month na ubo sipon and nebulizing nila. How we overcame the thought of my husband leaving for work like total horror. The realization of people who are meant to be part of your life and those who are just plain wall paper. I decided to stay out of it(having relationship with this type of people) for good because wala naman akong mapapala sa kanila puro lang toxic. And the best part is we are expecting travel this christmas and newyear with FAMBAM. SO many things happening so stay tuned.

xoxo,

mama bear

November is for HALLOWEEN!!!

                                                 My little mermaid

Ansaya naman though hindi na costume si chuchoi ko. Pero they both attended the condo's trick or treat. Yun lang when she wore this costume hindi din sya naka attend sa office since it's late 2pm, e normally traffic sa ortigas to we went home before the party even started. Pero ang daming freebies sa condo pak na den!

I also managed to pull some skellita costume lols

xo,

mama Fran