I dont know if comes with maturity or years of being on the same spot all over again, but this time I didnt cry hard.
Done with walking on eggshell.
Done pretending.
Done assuming.
Done with my accusations based on gut feel which he denied then in the end were all true.
Done with him future faking. He doesnt even had a single time to plan to go somewhere except malls (like what?)
Done with getting him experience the world by travelling, fuck that. He couldnt even show a little bit of excitement or interest on every country we've flown, every new places we went just nonchalant, ungrateful narc.
Done with giving him money. For letting it "ikot" and "kita" after sugal. Darn!
Done with downplaying all his revelations like I had a son after we had my first born. Or he did not graduate college, after my second born. The best was, I had livein partner for 3 months because I didnt have work and I coulnt go home because theres a possiblity I cant enter anymore.
When asked why is Macau the only country in the world why you cant just go fucking home. Answer was, hes lived in with the girl a motnh after he flew to Macau. Not just 3 motnsh but for like almost a year! And said it was over, then I was like meh okay forgiven. Only to find out, they are still together living on the same room! DONE WITH WEB OF LIES.
Another best thing was when I asked him does your unclde kew you "had" gf? He answered "Hindi papayag yun." When I saw his phone his uncle was their photographer in Londoner HAHA! Like WTF.
Best again is white lies then that fucking GRIN with no tooth on the side. It's not lie thats deceipt fucktard!
Done with me not respecting myself, to always be battered with disrespect and deceipts over and over again! What was I thinking?!
Done affirming myself that I love him, because I dont - it's trauma fucking bond.
Lord Jesus, I pray to you
That we may be healthy Khaled Eloise and Me.
To have a happy and simple life.
To travel the world, with our very own family (Lola, Lolo, Faye, Mai and Liam).
To have a decent home where we can finally live together as family.
I pray that I will be enough to my children.
That they may not ask and need their father, for all his sins.
That they may excel in studies and have a decent work , may chose the perfect partner from the LORD JESUS CHRIST, and have a complete family.
That my children will be brave and strong, wise and knows how to value love and trust and respect and loyalty and humility. That they may never crave lust and all the sins of the world.
Give my children strength to face all life's turbulence, and let them have peace of mind to make sound judgement. Bless them father.
I pray they may always come to me, for love and comfort and joy that only a mother can give.
All their problems I pray they share with me, and please Lord grant me a sound heart and mind to give the best answer to all their questions.
As a single mom, Lord, help me. Help me navigate this life all by myself and to teach the rigth direction to my children. Bless me Oh Lord, all the resources I need to support them as I grow old and frail. Make me strong to carry them to the top and be the best versions of themselves.
Bless me Oh Lord, to be with them as they grow old and have families. I would love to see my grand children and take care of them. I want to live a hapy life with my kids, grant this thru Christ. Amen.
Una sa lahat, pinili ko to.
Masakit yung paulit ulit kang sinasaktan, pero pinili mo pa ding mahalin.
Masakit yung kahit anong gawin mo, ikaw lang pala ang lumaban hanggang sa huli.
Masakit yung malaman mo na may iba na pala, hindi mo pa alam.
Masakit yung taong binibida mo sa ibang tao, yun pala ikaw niyuyurakan na sa iba.
Masakit yung malaman mong nagtitiis ka sa hirap ng laban ng buhay bilang isang ina, habang sya na man may kayakap ng iba at may ngiting tagumpay.
Masakit yung taong buong puso mo pinagkatiwalaan, bumuo na pala ng sariling buhay kapiling ng iba.
Masakit yung akala mo sya yung katuang mo sa laban ng buhay, pero hindi na pala ikaw ang pinag sasabihan nya ng mga ganap sa buhay nya.
Masakit yung akala mo may papel kapa sa buhay nya, binigay na pala nya ang susi sa iba.
Masakit yung, niloloko ka. Para ka na ding sinaksak patalikod habang naka ngiti.
Masakit yung pinili na nya, kahit anong tanggi tagos sa buto. Pinili na nya ang iba.
Masakit yung ilang taong binuno kasama ng mga bata, mauuwi sa alikabok na prang tinangay ng hangin. Napuwing, umiyak, natulala.
Masakit yung makita ang mga bata, maghanap ng kalinga ng ama. Na hindi ko maibibigay kailan man.
Masakit, maiwan, magisa sa ere ng taong akala mo sya na.
Masakit pala. Masakit pala, kung mali ang pinili mong mahalin. Hindi lang ako ang pusong nawasak, may dalawa pang umasa.
Masakit, dahil sa lahat ng sakit ayaw kona sa iyo. Sinaktan mo lang ako. Ginamit. Niloko. Pinaglaruan.
Pinagsamantalahan. Daig ko pa ang nagahasa ng syam na taon. Apaka dumi. May tao pala na labis ang sama ng ugali katulad mo. Tama ka sa isang bagay, ikaw ay isang demonyo.
Hindi ko sinusumbat lahat ng nagawa ko sa iyo, tunay lang akong nagmahal. Hindi ko lang malubos isipin na eto ang kahahantungan ko sa mga kamay mo. Mga kamay na may tinik, pusong may lason, matang nakaka bulag. Katabi ko ay ahas, na unti unti akong pinapatay sa tuklaw.
Higit sa lahat, masakit maging manhid. Hindi ko na alam, pano ang tunay na pagmamahal pagkatapos neto. Takot, wlang tiwala, di na papayag, ayaw na ng pusong ginawang bato ng taong wla naman akong ginawa kundi mahalin ng buong buo. Sa huli, ako pala yung talo.
Masakit. Ngunit, di nakakagulat. Una sa lahat, pinili ko ito.
The last time we met was the time I finally come to terms with the real you.
Yes, I know who you are the moment you spoke, the first date we had. I KNEW YOU.
I ignore every fucking red flags and gave in to few good(well fake) things about you.
After nine years, having fully known the depth of narcissism I finally broken down the code. It was love bombing(showering of gifts I dont even want), hoovering (back and forth, on and off), future faking, mirroring (acting like me, just to make me like you), triangulation ( there's always a third party involved in every conversation that should have only been us to resolve in the first place), word salad (for every conversation turned argument with no resolution, you are only getting my reaction and anger nothing is resolved), pathological liar (ofcourse mutiple cheating), new supply (ofcourse Jelly Ann, new supply. new shiny toy.)
This last months were rough, Im like in the brink of something. Like shadow cast in my way.
Im at a lost for words, why the hell are you not conversational? Damn 1 month after you flew you found the new supply, thats why. Making us look stupid when we visited Macau.
Uneducated me just cried and pitied myself obvioulsy. Until he went back to "fix" (the house not us) whatever. The new supply has thick face to even add me once again (for a millionth time) in instagram so I called her. Just to be blown by her news that the Narc is living with him, still. Infact for solid one year.
Lost for words, I just talked to this new supply and the triangular LOL the new supply's mother.(is this called supplier? LOL) Just how they do the conversation shocked me to the core, like hey theyre like family mentioning about the new supply work ethic (as if it makes sense to me), like the use of money (im lost again), BUT WHERE IS THE RESPECT GURL? Thats the time I realized, theres no sense to 3 way call these ignoramus. Im not getting anything, they are fighting over and me im just using the phone to fix my hair and eye lashes. Funny though, I felt numb and pathetic and I care less. These monkeys just a waste of my precious time.
So then the Narc said he chose us, the family. But I dont I care, I dont believe they are all monkeys.
What I did was, broke up with him. After that I learned about a lot using his fucked up phone.
All hell break loose mother fucker, like way back my eldest was born the cheating has gone mad.
And the triangulation, gone far and deep like I dont know these people but the Narc talking to them like mother and sisters. Like Damn that close where you can say to me in video call is hi hello bye.
Damn his brain is poluted, I thought he was just busy working doing his thing and sleep like a baby afterwarsdbut nah a lot of dark side of him I saw. One hell of a different person emerged. Cant help but be disgusted.
I saw him, crystal clear. I said my goodbye while he held my hand and cried on demand(crocodile tears). Then we closed the door all I can say is "bombs away!" LOL
Then I learned about Narc. Damn, I wouldnt waste a tear (even crocodile tear) for this NARC.
What an A-HOLE all of them HAHA
While listening "Neither one of us" song in Spotify I cant help but think of the memories over the years spent with the person, reflecting the person I want to be (as a partner).
I lost the person, I lost the part of me that I love. The one who mirrored me, the imagination, the fantasies all faded away like dust in the wind.
Now it's "Killing me softly with his Song"... Ha!
I find myself aging gracefully. Mature enough not to settle for less, not to cave in to lust and short term happiness and moving away from things that doesnt server me.
Looking back, I view breakups like it is end of the world. Nothing important in life to lose.
I was manic always down and slump on the bed crying all day, all night. Now, I sleep like a baby, eat mindfully, choosing or buying things mindfully. Way back I spent money for something I dont even need, believed it like therapy, like I need to give in to urge and splurge.
This is a game changer. As I age, mature and experience and learn a lot from the past I begin to see myself more clearly. Who am I? What do I really like? What type person do I NEED to settle? What should I take and what should i let go? What to forgive and whats non negotiable. To give in to my natural and authentic self without being apologetic. By showing everyone my truth, with all my heart.
And then I realize, there is no more time playing around like stupid hen with worm hooked on stick wrapped around its waist. Yes it was me. I want to define my own self, to write my story. It doesnt end like this, nah. I am Frances. I can do whatever I want to do in this wonderful, beautiful life the Lord has given me. No more holding back, no more consideration to people who makes me feel unseen, unheard, misunderstood, mistreated, insecure, unlove, unimportant, irrelevant, an option and disrespected. No place for those people, please! I know I have a heart of gold that keeps on forgiving even the unforgivable. But again I dont want it to block whats for me, the gift of life. Nothing like these nonsense can go my way now. :) My time is up with these blood suckers haha!
NO time to waste, already spent a lot of time looking in wrong places and engaging in wrong people.
I believe I can carry on much stronger than ever. And be much happier with me, myself and I only (with my babies Eloise and Khaled ofcourse).
So today, since we are all sick good thing ate Del from Victory suggested we go online service.
So I attended the breaking of the bread at home with my kids, i also cooked late lunch for us tinola for the two kids and dori fish for me(air fried only), ate some singkamas (cut by mama) and alamang while watching the Dr. Ramani Network https://firesidechat.com/realitycheckwithdr-ramani3 discussed about narcissistic relationship, basically the aftermath. And not to mention having my kids around, obviously noisy and clingy and always asking for "mom".
Hey but that's fine my daughter said (when i gave her the graham cake I made) that I am the best cook ever. Because I always have the best food.
Though at first I got distracted while watching, she kept asking if I was the one who made the refrigerated cake like 3 times!!! But I make bawi naman hahaha!
So my take on Dr Ramani about heart break after relationship specifically narcs.
1.) If you are comepelled to not tell your loved ones, perhaps your mom whom you trust the most the thing that he did or said to you that's the ultimate red flag.
2.) It all begins in you. You are the only one who holds the key to change your life after what you experience in narc. Ofcourse it is a process not an overnight thing. And you need a tool and people to help you.
As for my case, I watch PHDs Psychiatrists, doctors, extperts in this field that truly helped me understand the reason behind all the past. I am educating myself on how to control my mind to not give in to the same trap and because this is an anusual relationship where we share children ( to be honest I dont want to share anymore).
And the one and only GOD, Jesus Christ my saviour. He is the ultimate truth and whom I instantly run into when all hell breaks loose.
Now i can say, I may not be in total peace of mind state but definitely im in a better place now. Peace of mind truly is a luxury , that when you have it even in a fleeting moment you just grab it. It gives me direction, on what to do next. It gives me clarity of what I would love and aspire my life would be after this chaotic relationship. It might still be a rollercoaster of emotion since it just exploded previously (though my gut tells me a year ago it's already happening) - Im still glad im right here right now. Handling it, facing my reality with strenght and dignity. Now theres no more hinding, I can be what I want to be share what I need to share and be as happy as I can possibly with my two precious babies.
The light is there and though it may still not be that crystal clear at the moment, I trust God that He leads the way. And I just need to follow through and do the best I can for his glory.
Looking back on our old photos together without(singles) and with kids, I can see a soulless individual.
With his eyes shook, blank face, empty eyes, expressionless face, no feelings whatsoever not really happy just forced smile or was it just a smirk?
I pity him, his mental state made him a sad human being just wandering on earth without purpose, always looking for short term highs.
Having been enlightened made me thank the intervention of his new supply, the girl whom I thought was a rival. But no, they really deserve each other. Knowing now how they became together, I wouldn't wish to be a hinder or in between or even a thing to them. Because, honestly, it's dirty and disgusting. I wouldn't stoop that low. I already lowered my standards for loyalty and real love, ending like a shit to a narc.
What a blessing I learned about Narc. It became easy to swallow the harsh reaility of being used and abused. But still, those 9 yrs are tough. Mentally, emotionally, financially. All the false future fantasies, lies and deceits, all his dirty laundries emerges little by little, expecting me to understand and just swallow it and make it normal is too much to bare. Finally my truth came out, the light came out. Im no longer in his shadow.
Letting go is freedom.
I want to think about the year 2025 started right not wrong.
That amidst the pain of betrayal birthed light and TRUTH.
Amidst the lies and manipulation, the breaking of chain of habitual toxicity finally came TRUE.
That I, we as family of three which was once four has been finalized in count so we can move on in our purest form and TRUE selves.
That I finally made the call to end the fantasy and imaginary life to move on in our NEW and REAL Life.
The Happy Life has just started.
It's 2:50 pm Manila time. In about 10-15 mins Ill wake my 3 yr old son to fetch our ate(my 4 yrs old little girl) in school, Smallville Montessori just here in Circulo Verde. We book Grab.
Right after we brought her in school we immediately went home so my little boy can take a nap and so I can finish up some work in Austal. Yes Im working from home, an advantage for a single mom.
I just want to note that I think Im making a good progress to succeed in normal routinary life.
Dont get me wrong I love the routines, the going back to the old, the way we used to kind of way.
I thought I wouldnt able to finish a movie in one sitting without my mind afloat and being disturbed by the thought of "abandonment" from the a-hole. But voila I finished a good movie last night directed by George Clooney - The TENDER BAR. The child abandoned by his father and was left in the care of his uncle and mom living still with grandparents. Yes the boy succeeded in YALE but in the end he still trying to figure out if he still wants to be a writer since his course is LAW.
Anyway just want to congratulate my beautiful self, that somehow I can be the normal me day by day after the abuse and trauma.After all these circus and fiasco brought about by a-hole narcissist.
Looking forward to independent, strong, brave, resilient, mature, fun, adventurous, risky(but mindful) me. Cant wait to share the real me to my two babies. I know it's hard but we shall make it through I promise with God above us. Leading us, Our Father.
On Sunday I'll have a discussion with Ate Del of Victory after our 11am service :)
Keeping my soul busy, catching up to what should be done and should have started way back 9 yrs ago.
Still proud my kids are here with me. :)
Thank you LORD! AMEN!
To my children Eloise and Khaled this is mama's testament of TRUE and EVERLASTING LOVE to both of you.
Today is January 11, 2025. A lot has happened and scarred the three of us for the past few days. The turn of events took place when your "bachi" went home for a vacation last December 22,2024 until he left us for good just this past week, January 3, 2025 when he chose to go back to Macau rather than resolve our family matters here in the Philippines. I ended it, yes, after the revelations I found out about him.
I wont delve on the past 9 years being with your "bachi" because you were not yet there and I want to spare you of the traumas that he has caused me, your mother.
When he came back last Dec 22, my concern is you (Eloise and Khaled) how will our relationship as couple can impact our day to day activities licing with him on the same roof, but now different persons. I know for a fact that he "was" living-in with a 27 yrs old girl in Macau but was believed it was over. As a woman with brain, nothing is ever true when it comes to a pathological liar as your "bachi".
The girl called me together with her mother in Macau, that your "bachi" and her are still living in together. We had a chat about him having case in Macau, buying/selling karts, has a lot of scams and all the shit going on.
There is a proof and a strong evidence since I asked him his phone password, he gave it to me but would not hand me his phone. I told him if you dont hide anything, you will give it to me. If you are in my place, im in a fight or flight mode already. Having to find a sense out of it to come up with a productive asnwer to this rabbit hole and endless downward spiral kind of life.
Tried to figure out things how it turned that way, tried to find answers that seemed blurred the more I talked to him. To find a conclusion and best possible answer on how to go about the chaos he continuously brings in our family. Which I later found out could never have any answer due to his clinical sickness - "bachi" is a narcissist.
After all the breakdowns and wars, he slept like a baby between you (Eloise and Khaled) on the bed, that was January 2, 2025. I dont understand it at first, my naive and normal working brain cells cannot grasp how a grown ass man can sleep like a baby amidst chaos. Like literally the family and the life he built in Macau crumbling into ruins. He is a narcissist. No love, no remorse, just full of lies, manipulation and being a "supply" to his fantasies.
I've come to terms, using my last working braincells, that I your mother was manipulated to that extent.
9 years I kept mum and quiet - staying vigilant that it could be any day someone somewhere might come out to taint our "fantasied" relationship. Tried to accept whatever brain damage he might cause me. Trying to make sense of all the things he did, to cover it and normalize it. I was once an enabler.
He feeds on me, I feed on his possessiveness. Not accepting the fact that he is just using me for his image and financial advantage.
Having to love unconditionally, being loyal, honest, respectful and supportive to your "bachi" is never enough. Instead he weaponized it and use as weakness to exploit me, your mother. One time we had and argument I told him"nang gamit ka lang" then he answered while walking away from me "Anong kailangan ko sa iyo?" (the audacity) which means now he has nothing to do with me, he doesnt need me anymore. Which totally make sense because now he has new supply, the other girl in Macau. Because his pea brain can only understand what narc does. There is no defending the relationship, no amount of forgiveness can change him, no amount of explanation can cut thru his sinister plans all he is is selfish, nothing is resolved even if I engage to endless conversation with no clear answers and solutions, there is nothing personal to him this is all about game. He made me believe all the false future, moving to Canada having a good life. It all ended with he will still send us (Eloise, Khaled and me) to Canada to have a good life. When he is the one who aspire that, he is simply discarding. He wants to let loose of me your mother who was once his prey and "supply". He has no remorse, it's all about the lying even the most minute, trivial and nonsense thing he needed to lie. Because that's who is. We cant comprehend his trail of thoughts because he is clinically diagnosed Narc.
Before he closed the door to catch his flight on Jan 3, he asked me "can I hug for the last time? I might not be alive the next time we see."
I refused; this time it's my call. No more faking, and gagging my true self, no more manipulation, no more forgiveness when all there is in his mouth is web of lies.
Remember that night when I contemplate, and before he slept seemingly free of problems, I asked him Macau or us (Eloise, Khaled and me) - HE CHOSE TO LEAVE TO MACAU. HE NEVER CHOSE US. He needs Macau for his new supply, the girl, the living the life with all his web of lies and fantasies coming now to reality. He can never risk that. Not for you.
I need you to understand where this is coming from anak, Eloise, Khaled.
It is not about you, not about me your mama - it is about him. It is all about him in the first place. He is a narcissist. You need to educate yourself to detach your emotion and finally understand that monster we are dealing with.
On the side note: Infact he was trying to save his insane uncle, that old man doesnt know anyting about the relationship, he said - where infact that uncle was supposed to live under our ancestral home with my father your lolo because he has no family left in PH. The old man is actually an enabler, he knew "bachi" has other girl in Macau - he was even "their" photographer in "Londoner Macau" funny but yeah. Your bachi and the girl have been together for more than a year. One month after "bachi" flew to Macau, he flirted and made sure he live with the girl on their apartment free off charge, of sex and food. He manipulates even the mother of the girl to the extent they tolerate his wrong doings. He kept mum of their relationship acted like he still have a family at home, with us. He call her other girl 'bobo' in some chat I found on his phone.
Apparently Princess the waitress, was a common friend of the other girl. Your bachi confided with Princess that the other girl is bobo for wanting him to choose her even for only 3 months together. Oh and by the way they worked together on the same resto now closed "HEAL". Funny how the HEAL cannot heal the curse of "bachi" and all the demons lurking in their store. The "curse" / "malas" is your bachi and all the enablers working in their kitchen. The one he replaced had suddenly died of apparent suicide by crashing the motor cycle in PH while he was kicked out of HEAL means no more work, because of I believe your "bachi" wanted him out as he advised the owner.
Bachi is EVIL. With all my heart and as your protective mother, I will harness all my power to move you away from your sinister bachi. I know he will use you as an intrument when you grow old, to make you resent all the things you love. Just like what he did to your mama.
We will always pray for our soul, with this evil always preying on us.
Remember, research about "NARCISSISM" that's the only way you can get away with your emotions where it's not reciprocated and anderstood, where you can depend on the facts and proven reason to all of this fiasco. He is a clown, he can never love us because he is a SICK PERSON, he is a NARCISSIST.
All I can say is sorry, for choosing the WRONG bachi for you.
I will stay vigilant to protect you against him. I promise.
I love you, forever and always.
Love,
Mom
