Saturday, December 31, 2011

My Year Round Mantra

There comes a time in our life where all of a sudden good things come into halt. Just like having a heart failure where it just stops. During those times, when the heart fails the mind function to the point where it is like having some neuro meds kicked in. We may think clearly or vivid. The mind somehow supports the hanging fate of a person's life when the heart's paralyzed, just like wearing a gas mask when it's hard to breath. That moment, when our mind is at its vulnerable state it somehow recalls the past. You think of your last conversation with someone, twisted decisions, immature responses, guilt, satisfaction, love, hate,insecurities... Then for the next hours passed, you ask yourself, who you are and why is nobody ever understands or treat you the way you wanted to?

Last Christmas I was deprived of joy partly because of my own selfish way. It was my decision to collect things and start all over again and maybe put some direction to benefit both of us in the long run. But now I am not sure, well we all are not sure when it comes to heart matters. I decided to shut all sorts of connection and move on without ever looking back. I am not sure what he thinks, but right at the moment I care less. One reason could be that initially we both care less and I just stepped up and speak for it so it saved him one hell of a drama. I think he's good with that, doing fine and infact continues life in a bliss.
As for me, I try to learn a good lesson here. Maybe it looks like I'm a masochist but I believe life's a yin yang, when there is bad there is always good. And so it's normal to feel bad sometimes atleast I look forward to what's good next. At first I asked him what is wrong with him, and since I get no guaranteed answer I found it after the next few days of being a part from him. Funny cause, aside from issues about us, I found out that more issue is on me. We all are not perfect, life can be at its WORST ever. I have so many biyotch decisions as well. I realized that it's my reflection that I am afraid of, it's who I am I have to deal with and not him, or others. Yes it's partly him but it's on me really... I forgot that sense of individuality, that everyone is unique and not to be compared to someone else. We all have our walks in this life. Some like to ride a bus, others would rather walk, some prefer violin others guitars. It depends on what we want, what we need to fulfill the life we wanted. God is good because just now he made me realize that we cannot push people to believe the things we believe, make them do things just like what we wanted because they too have their own responsibility to be just like themselves, unique and free. I remember the word freedom, that we all have that. And it is on our hands how to make use of it, in the right way. God himself did not put a tight grip on us, because I believe he wants us to enjoy life in freedom - his gift... Now I think, I could only suggest and maybe comment a little, but will not impose as to hinder whatever he wanted to do with his life, because he owns it, nobody but him. It's God's gift to him as well. If that is the case then, he has to follow his freewill. To change is one thing I cannot push, but only influence. It is up to the person if he wants to change, sincerely.  Therefore, as for my freewill too, I will chose to love those who in return love me unconditionally, who cares just enough to show sincerity, respect and loyalty. If not then It's my freewill too to leave and simply let go...

You know, it's faith and twisted fate that we hope for the better tomorrow to come. It's tough, and I am proud to be strong because I deal with love that could be unique as well. No dictionary, just experience...

So reward yourself ladies, we are important and very much substantial, this human race will fall if we are not in it (LOL). Enjoy yourself, be generous, live, laugh, cry a little, kiss your parents, play with your siblings, get out with friends, be brave and God will do the rest :)

Just like in the New Year's Eve mantra "Have a little faith in me..." You can be wrong at first, but believe in change and trust and love... What matters is in the heart <3

Happy New Year! :)




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