Khaled

I gave birth a week early than planned, well my baby's supposed 37 week.

We were not shocked because beginning September 2021, it was already seen that he is well, small.

My OBGYN tried supplements so baby gains weight but no effect, that time I was taking Onaima.

Until we had Ultrasound/Doppler. There was notching in umbilical cord making it hard to pass oxygen and blood to baby. Also my placenta, overaged as fucked. So we had no choice to deliver him early.

We checked in Delgado Tuesday. We had our RTPCR test (me) and Rapid Test (Jose) at home , Monday night. The room is decent, more pleasing than the one we had with Franchesca. Ironic though, it was not occupied by a mom holding and feeding her son. It was just me and Jose all through out. We never did see our son in our room 112. To be able to see him is to go up the second floor in NICU to give KMC.

I cried the first time I saw him, my son. He was so little.     

It was our first night together, a day after my operation (May 20). I had 15 mins max but I guess we were there for about 30 mins the nurses were generous. I held him close to my chest, I can feel his warmth and the smell of baby, tried to kiss him but was afraid that I might carry bacteria. Even if before I enter thr NICU, they made me wear lab gown, change slippers and wear hair net. Then I washed my hands and applied sterillium. I sat in a chair with boppy pillow behind me. It was surreal when the nurse handed me my little boy. I cant imagine I have a baby boy, he is so little so fragile, I cried. I said sorry, he was there and alone hindi nya kasama si nanay at tatay. I cant stand that time because of my fresh operation plus there were cords hooked to his body, hands mouth and feet :(

I was allowed to visit him every 3 hours, if only my body can manage to do it every 3 hours kaso lang I also need to rest. But made sure orning afternoon and evening andun ako especially the last night na nag stay kami that was Sunday November 21. There was a time na pinadede ko sya thats when I knew he can latch though hindi pa pala allowed, kaya I baka yun din nag contribute na bloat yung stomach nya kinabukasan. Anyway the before the last time I held him tight, I stood up kse he was fidgety gusto nya mag feed sa breast ko nag slide sya so I stood up and cradled him sung a song it took us 30-45 mins ata and he was sound as sleep kahit na yung abby across him (btw he was in incubator) was crying loud. Naka sleep ang baby ko, sa dibdib ko. Kahit na madalas nalabas boobs ko wla na din ako paki alam puro girl naman nurse. I kissed my son's head, the first time I smelled him grabe amoy baby amoy alcohol ata amoy malinis, I miss the smell. I always bring the muslin that time the one Eloise used nung pinanganak ko sya sa Delgado din. And up until now naka plastic yun hindi ko nilalaban. Kahit na hindi ko naman naipasok talaga sa loob yun kasi bawal pero same smell. I miss my baby Boy, tomorrow is another day na hindi namin sya kasama sa bahay.

Today is Dec 2, Thursday. exactly 14 days na 2 weeks without him after mg operation. The separation anxiety is real, yung prang lutang ka na in denial na there is nothing wrong and you just believe that everything will work out in God's grace. Masakit kasi isipin masisira ulo ko, kaya ipinapasa Diyos ko nlng. I want to cut the outside world and dto lang talaga mag revolve sa loob ng bahay ang buhay. Until mag okay na ang anak ko, ayaw ko maka dinig ng noise. Prayers will do. But not noise. Only God can help heal, yun ang alam ko with his wisdom and grace and blessing na ibibigay kila Dra Platon and Dra Teng to help my son heal. I have so much to be thankful for, umpisa palang kay Dra Cayabyab na nailabas namin agad si Khaled, but the battle is not yet over. My baby boy is still fighting. WBC yung lab test tomorrow I claim na healed na in Jesus Christ name Amen.

The last time I felt the last time ko na sya makaka karga kasi bawal na mag KMC kapag lumabas na sa hospital , we checked out Monday extended because we were still hoping makasama sya pauwi but failed. Sabi ko anak, galingan mo lakasan mo loob mo pray tyo kay Lord na gumaling kana para makasama mo na kami si ate si tatay ako anak. Mamimiss kita anak, bilisan mo gumaling uwi na tyo. I love you anak and then I cried kahit sinisipon ako kinisan ko ulo ng anak ko. He was sleeping then. Tumatagal kami ng 45 mins ang bait ng mga nurse lalo pag wla naman Dr sa Nicu imbes na 15 mins lang. There are so many angels on earth na hindi nila alam gaano kahalaga sa akin yun as nanay na makasama ng matagal anak ko.

Ngyon, waiting.. Tomorrow is the result ng WBC lab nya. Lord I lift to you all my worries and all the sickness Khaled Jose Benicarlo is facing make him a healthy boy oh Lord that he may praise you all through his life. Amen.

Unfair

 Life is not fair.

I know, from the moment I realize that those evil relatives even has greater power than the good ones - nothing is fair.

They are blessed with all things good, they might be defeated by nature. Took away some of the precious things their money can buy plus their money cannot buy. But fate is always on their side, force is always on their side. No matter how evil they are they are blessed with abundance. 

Now, come to think of it who in the mighty power blessed these people?

To think that they are evil by nature, who can blessed them with these power?

If you go back in history, well their history, they struggle and fought maybe a little bit. I guess they truly used their brains, their filthy plans that spawn out of their shitty brain. 
The thing is they belittle people, us, others - who dont think alike them.

I might have the opportunity to use them for my advantage but the timing is not right. Because of their personal issue and belief that they can summon all who are against them they can instantly drop you.

Hey just want to let you know, you are fucked up. Not now but in the future. Hope not, praying not.

But the hell do you pray for someone who is so messed up?

From now on, I do not bow on you , your money, your capacity to give (without me asking) - dont know if its generosity or you also have an agenda.. Hmm..

Well, thats it. I hope and pray for myself that all is well.

As for you, good luck to your chosen hell.

April 18

 Delayed again.

Tried pt after a week, it looked faint .. The second line, but informed my OB anyway.

Tried again the next day, it looked dark as black.. OB suggested TVS, so I went for it.

But nothing was seen.. Yet.

So after 2 weeks, I'll get another round of TVS plus the blood HCG.

If incase I'm preggy again, I hope everything will work well for the baby and us.

I love my baby, Eloise and the one that's coming.

What I worry most is the event of not knowing whats next - Covid. I just want it to get of my mind.

And just focus on the baby.

Lord give me strength, for the gift that I am about to receive.

What ever happens, I lift it up to you Lord.

36

 Twas my birthday, a couple of hours ago.

My little family had a simple celebration. One I was not expecting, thank you to my husband who subtly surprise me with macaroni pasta, choco cake and barbeque.

Well, I guess this is what pandemic has taught many of us. To be humble, to live in the moment, to appreciate the beauty of simple life and to not expect more than a healthy family. 

I thank God, for blessings I dont deserve. I may not have the luxury of billionaires but I have what I needed most, my baby and husband, mom and dad, sisters and cousins, friends and colleagues that are healthy. I have a home to protect us, food to nourish us, electricity to entertain us especially in times like these, water for bathing and even for quick dip in pool with my baby , a job that pays well - that's all essentials that I needed. That's all, nothing more , nothing less.

Before pandemic, I have plans for me and my baby and her dad. We are so eager to earn more, live more in terms of travel and more things to acquire, new home, a car and so much things in our heads.

But all went down the drain when pandemic hits, it's like the world stops all of a sudden. Halting dreams and aspiration. Who knows when we can go back to were we once were, or if things will ever be as good as before again. I realized, the little things we took for granted, like going out with friends without face shields/ masks, watching movies with mom and sis, strolling alone in a mall just buying time.

Today, in this very moment we are stuck inside our home to prevent acquiring covid. I never imagined we can be captives for more than a year, lucky me I got my baby to keep me busy. But what about others? I myself is bored to death to be honest, I hope atleast I can bring my little one in a coffee shop or someplace to eat, but it's not possible. How we turn our world into a total mess? People selfish and greedy, that's why this happen to us.

Well, again atleast I got chu baby <3

Happy 36!

xo,

Fran

My Cup of Coffee for Tonight

In light of all the issues of the world, I got my family.

Just want to flex my little fambam , here's the photo of them right at this very moment

After our "dad-and-mom" time, Eloise fussed and I just need to cradle her. I love it when I open the curtains at night with a beautiful night view. Everything looks quiet and calm, all the lights from the streets and buildings remind me of "HOPE". That there is a hope for a beautiful tomorrow... We may never be the same as before, going out for coffee or simply window shopping without worries of catching Covid, but atleast in times like these God gave me you my little princess. And ofcourse your papa. I may not be as sweet to him as before my baby was born, my love grows deep and I appreciate him more than ever. 

This is my cup of coffee for tonight. Hot Matcha Espresso fusion. Ordered this via grab two consecutive days already ha! 

There is so much in life to be thankful for. So much things that continuously come unexpectedly on a positive way. All these surprises are gift from heavenly Father, I know it deep down.

As I look back, not far from 2021 - year 2019 up to now. A lot has changed, I got evicted from HP my beloved company whom I worked for 5 years but gifted me ample cash to start fresh, I got my condo almost the same time have it interior designed, then my honey flew home just in time for our trip to HK , Macau and Boracay, then we got engaged, then got pregnant, had new work (before hon went home from abroad), had to carry my baby for 9 months and amidst covid my husband and I managed to carry on during my delivery(May 2020) - I gave birth to this beautiful angel of ours who look exactly like her papa, then I resigned and got new work again OMG!!! That was fast good Lord.

On the side, I also treasure our family outing at Batangas, and all the holidays Christmas and Newyears spent with family (either mama's house, our home or Faye's house), also I have to move out from Brentwood bittersweet cause it's a safe place, a space that I created my own bubble to splurge with my hobby. Well I couldnt discover it if it wasnt for time in HP and staying in Brentwood all by myself. I found me. All the Pizza fridays with my family, oh how I miss the days!!!! CRY CRY CRY.

Lord, let this pandemic end. I pray to you with all my heart, if these people have to learn from their mistakes please spare us Lord and I pray that they have already realized what they need to understand.

I myself realized a lot of things, though Im used tobeing alone working at home - this made me realized that there is another side of me that needs award LOL and that is something new to me. I know pretty well how it goes cause I grew up with my mama , but now being a MOM makes sense. All makes sense and it's like Im a different person now with entirely different things to do and suddenly different perspective in life. It's challenging and rewarding at the same time. I love it. It's nice to be mom at 34 :)

Lord THANK YOU!!!

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!

XO,

Fran <3

I'm Back

 Today as I sit next to my baby and husband , who are by the way sound asleep, while I sip my fave matcha espresso (grabfood from Starbucks) I contemplate all the good things that poured in my life just recently.

Well, I'm back. Back in Accenture! It's my second week already of doing technically nothing just CBTs.

I cant complain, all the horse shit I've been through my past work paid of. Not too early to tell, because honestly I still dont know the weight of work when roll-in next week. To be honest, I was floating for like almost 2 months. I resigned February 15 and was about to start in Accenture in March 1 but it moved until March 15 because of requirements ofcourse my previous manager, the ever notorious one, kept holding on not wanting to release my documents how pathetic! Having said that, I needed reinforcements from my beloved atty. Inshort sinampahan ko sya ng kaso. I have a long list of violations from that witch, and I can send her to jail if pushed. My God how many months of bullying and retarded leadership I kept mum because she's kissing ass to the head of FX! Who will they side, ofcourse the pathetic loser! I've been there so many employees have challenged, questioned her already none won. So pathetic if I speak up, the only way is to fake it until such time I get a new job and move on. Imagine I was tryikng to move on peacefully and she kept on harassing me!! After the legal battles I received no call from the two mongoloids haha kidding. Anyway this is why I dont want to remember them because all the memories kept coming back and even if I tried to make the blog sounds laid back it always boils down to rant. SHE IS MY WORSE NIGHTMARE!

Going back to "the mood" I just wanted to look back and thank God for the blessings I, my family have received. Eventhough we are in pandemic times, I beleive that God will not make us sick of COVID and other malalang sakit, I just can feel it. He is our rock, our salvation, our love. I can attest of his mercies, because how long have I waited to move out of FX? almost one year already but I havent got any offer. I was pregnant then, when I attend interviews in the morning around BGC area. I was accepting her call outside the building after interviews, I know nang huhuli ang gaga but anyway the hell do I care. And it's always about timing. In God's time.

Lord thank you, for this new work. I cannot thank you enough, nakapagpahinga ulit ako Feb and March naman haha last time buong March. Sould search March and baby time naman this 2021. All makes sense in God's time. I dont know, but amidst the horror of Covid there's peace in my heart that God is with us all the time, that He shields us from Covid. I pray Lord, that this human mistake will end na. I really hope that my baby will see the world thru my eyes, yung nakaka gala sa labas na wlang kinakatakutan na virus. Love you Lord, thank you always and forever.

xo,

Fran

First Sunday

 First Sunday..

This is the first Sunday I feel relieved of not waking up early tomorrow for work.

I normally log in around 6-6:30 AM cause of Australian time. I am actually flexi, however the monster requires us to login early morning. And she'll start calling up around 8AM to do her sermon of the day. The routine nonsensical litany of incompetent "leader".

Moving on. I went to FX in McKinley office around 11AM, by 12 noon we are already in front of the office. I was accompanied by my husband and my daughter. It felt so good that aside from leaving the notorious beehive, when I finally leave the building I was welcomed by my husband and daughter. My baby is in stroller while her dad strolls her around, it was breezy cool that time. A very good day.

I could never thank the Lord enough, I know I wished to belong in this company for so long. But somehow we dont fit together as time goes by. It's like I am intentionally doing bad to make her itch. Guilty though, I dont like the words that are coming out of her filthy mouth. She doesnt own me, so please mind your words (I wish I said that). But it doesnt matter, Im free. Last Friday, she still kept on calling me via viber via phone but meh, the hell do I care. I'm out. Stop trying to explain yourself, in the past days before my last days she kept on d

Prayer on 13

 Today I am extra nervous, with the work piling up and everyone from the project needed me to do something about their own issues. No ticket, no prioritization but all escalation with seemingly all are equally important.

To think that I need to answer them all at the same time is exhausting. If one is not answered right away, they will escalate to my manager, who is by the way always on their side. I mean I get it we need to face all the challenges and we have to own it, we have to be reliable in helping our counterparts and ofcourse our client. But to think that these people are internal employees too, that are just pushing me to do it for them and my manager doesnt even know what we are doing(she knows by repeatedly asking) but not appreciating it is painful. You know the feeling that the manager swears by the counterpart not you? Who will fight against you? Who will make you look stupid while she get away of her stupidity just because she is a manager and a non technical person (but alots a lot of time questioning even the little bit of details like indentation, codes etc which are time consuming and inefficient?) I wonder how and why she got her award.. Hmm..

I am tired. I am fed up. God knows how I love working with SharePoint, especially enjoyed SP install and configure. But I want to have confidence. I'm loosing it slowly and terribly. I think I'm loosing my self confidence because my manager doesnt trust us. She has trust issues.

Way before me was 3 employees I believe, who all went in hell with her. They all slowly disappeared and just resigned. I undertstand given how vile the manager is, super micromanage like you have no room for growth because everything is blocked, questioned, degraded, negated, manipulated and unacceptable in her eyes. That's not a challenge for us, dont get me wrong. I have been with so many manager in my 12 years of work but never have I encountered such a menace. No one has ever raised a voice on me, just you. I never trusted you with my work eitherway. So the feeling is mutual, I dont trust you with my career, you are slowly destroying what I built for 12 years with your mediocracy. Whatever you say, that's your opinion it doesnt define me or the first 3 SP Admin/ SP Developers. They are doing fine in their work, we are doing fine until you messed it up. I just pray to God that you already take your senior citizenship and just retire, youre not effective to people. Maybe to your manager, but not us NO.

You make me sick, my anxiety was triggered because of you. I had cold chills I drag myself in the morning to work cause I know it will be you calling on the phone mercilessly deliver your litany. Who does that? Very naive and unprofessional in "GLOBAL COMPANY" setup. Very cultured Filipino politics type of employee, very much so - you are the epitome of bulok na sistema.

Im just, frustrated how you treat us. My heart is heavy. I pray to God that today is it. This is it.

I cannot work with you anymore. My heart and soul says so, I can hear it pounding. Saying STOP. 

I feel caged and helpless. Waiting my life to change once and for all. God Please, HELP ME.

My Eloise in December to January

 I will try my best to tell the stories behind every photo. I just love my baby's face sosososooooo cutie pie pie. So many has chnaged, you have showed new tricks in sleeping, breastfeeding, playing, even sound epeks! HAHA Oh anak I LOVE YOU!!

A Little Bit of Heaven on Earth , T'was a Good Day - First Wednesday of 2021

 It's the first Wednesday of January 2021, and God has already blessed the day with flying colors.

I skipped work today to be with my daughter for one more day before the overhauling/tiring work in Fuji. Not that I complain my work, infact I love my work -it's just that I'm in pain of how I am manipulated and turned to puppet. Well that's a different story. Today I am here to declare God's immeasurable blessing and the perfect timing.

Just yesterday, my husband renewed his LTO ID and I was really hoping that Accenture will call. Infact as early as today I am still praying to God, to please spare me from vile leadership in my current work because I cannot take it anymore. My health is suffering, Im streesed always thinking of the worse possible comment a manager could ever say, even if you give your 100% at work nothing is seen worth it (or atleast they say they appreciate it but words and actions speaks louder than one time praise).

So today I applied for car loan, I was not sure what to get but I passed the requirements anyway in BDO just below our condo. My husband and baby accompanied me they stayed outside patiently waiting for me.

So I submitted it and the teller said please wait 1-2 days for approval. But I got text message around 3:48PM and I was approved 5PM, just one hour! Iremember we are all lying in the bed, my husband, Franchesca and me about to take our afternoon siesta. Not only that. right after my application was approved I got a call from Accenture for closing interview scheduled tomorrow. I am in awe I could not believe it, I am half the battle , even though it was still a very pleasant surprise. THANK YOU LORD.

I pray to God to pass the final / closing interview tomorrow with the manager. And the asking will be suffiecient for my family everyday living. Lord , Thank You as ALWAYS. You have given me so much and I feel I am not worthit. With your blessings, I was able to help my love ones. You never give up on me. I know this past year was tough, but you gave so many reasons to still smile and be grateful. Even though there is Covid threat, you still shielded us with your blanket. We've been to hospitals multiple times, starting when I had so many allergies, to when I gave birth, to when Eloise was confined. I was really afraid that we might acquire it, but there is this feeling of relief and confidence that we are protected with your grace. Thank you Lord, thank you for showing us that there is nothing to fear just do your part and all those uncontrollable will be managed by you. And so I lift all my worries to you Lord, and all the blessings you continue to give us.

You know Lord, that to you I lift my troubles. My fear and sorrows. I know, I feel that the time will come that you will vanish all these in your perfect time. Everytime I had diffuclty with my current manager, I cant breath, my hair fall, I have multiple allergies, I have mild anxiety - I am not tortured of work - Im tortured and torn spiritually , emotionally and it's hard that my peace is forcefully/brutally scratched, raptured, destroyed by someone not related and irrelevant to my life. I believe in challeges but not this type of challenge, to be called minute by minute and as early as 7AM there will be litany. I graduated from my mother and Im not planning to have another round of daily sermon. In the real world setup, where I grew as am IT professional and in a global IT Industry I am treated as professional but not in Fujixerox. It's like a kiss ass movement wehre you are always warned and monitored like youre a criminal or suspicious employee eventhough youre not doing anything. I understand the discrete and confidentiality but not like this, I feel I am in strict supervision and being micromanaged. Why??? Why the hell do you need to micromanage me? OMG. But again I respect our counterparts in Australia, they've been good , eventhough savages I know I will learn something from them and yes I DID. But not with my manager. Tinitira na nya yung pagkatao ko not my work. I suggest, if you hire a professional TRY TO TRUST THEM. If not, escalate and FIRE! Pero hindi magawa, I dont need your mercy - I need to learn and be left alone. YOu can email me but not call minute by minute (callcenter?) and then what? sasabihen you will hire a new SP Admin? Go ahead, as if nanankot mawalan ako ng work. Do you think I will believe that I will loose my job in fujixerox because of your hersay, di ba you agreed I will build but what now? I agreed with them behind my back that I will do so muhc more that I cant even prioritize na kase all are High Priority and you need it right away or else babastusin mo na ako. Why? You've lost so many great employees, SP Admin/Dev. Dont ever think it's because of compesation. It's because of YOU.

Anyway Lord, sorry if humahanash nanaman ako sayo. I am just frustrated that afterall that I did I will be harrassed through calls without evidence (email) and violated. I am also nang hihinayang of my work, cause I love the work I do in Fujixerox, it's just the manager I cannot stand. She is over the top annoying, like making things complex, hard just making her self relevant may masabi lng pero she doesnt know a thing - she always ask!! and she would say I challenge you because this is what the upper management will ask you, I DOUBT IT. IT WAS YOU, and WILL ALWAYS BE YOU WHO NEEDS THOSE INFORMATION, TO BUILD YOUR OWN CAREER. Infairness, minsan ka lang nagdefend sa amin. Most of the time sinasalang mo kame sa hot seat, nilaglaglag mo kami. Ikaw na awardan right? I know you have other tasks aside from being our manager, but he(your amo) should ask your tao firts are you really being efficient? effective in manipulating, but not efficient sa tao. I dont want to hate but over my taba body I just cant take it anymore. I can work over hours tirelessly, just dont ever sabbotage my credibility and my personality. Dont feed me with the words from your mouth, dont judge me when you have no evidence, dont accuse me of doing things I dont do. STOP ATTACKING ME. YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO BUILD UP YOUR TEAM! But what you do is put us down ALL THE FCKING TIME.

Im tired, numb, fedup with your manipulation and micromanagement and nanghihinayang ako sa career ko with Fujixerox. I dont like being dragged down and pushed over or someone telling me what to do like a kid, I am professional you should know and you should trust and believe and atleast have the decency to LISTEN and STOP CONTRA! Like all I can say YES, NO play dumb because you might say so many things that's eating up a lot of time and just so NOT NEEDED or ASKED FOR. Iyo na yang award mo for I dont know what work you did, iyo na yan magaling ka kase mag mando siguro  talagang yan ang need nila the one who got away with no idea technically what youre doing but really knows how to MANDO and MANIPULATE the tao. But hear me when I say wlang magtatagal sayo na tao because of that, kung meron man they will talk behind your back because you are so not WORTHY of loyalty. You youreslf have trust issues, FIX IT! OR retire for goodness. ANyway thats for the libre sa starbucks, for pakain, for raffle but please know I dont need it - I prefer respect and trust and a little push from my lead that I can get thru this at the end of the hard days work. Make me feel that I really have a manager who got my back, who supports and LISTENS and UNDERSTANDS. Not the oppostite. I can buy my own SB, Food, appliance - but I cant buy your trust. I cant just kiss ass, because it's not my personality. Im just so tired of YOU. I hope I shall say Goodbye to YOU. I pray, real hard on this. I want peace of mind...

Lord I am so so sorry, Did I let you down? I pray not. I tried hard to blend in but it's not in my veins.

I am slowly drifting, fading in the vast sea. I cant see my self growing with Fuji, because of HER.

I lift to you all my burden, in Jesus name. Amen.