When I was little
I wonder how it feels like to go out alone.
Can I survive going to mall on my own?
I remember I was in high school when I started to go out.
That time I brought my sister Faye to movie theater.
We watched AI at Sta. Lucia.
It was good though my concern really is we come home alive.
It was a bit scary, but I was kind of proud at the same time cause I can carry my sister with me.
And mama trusts me on Faye, so I was kind of responsible for her, love the feeling of big sissy.
When I was in college, I swear to God I was the only one attending the first class in Faculty of Engineering (UST) with chaperon! Mama was with me and went as far as second floor, she even waited outside the classroom!! haha!
I beg her to come with me cause I'm a bit nervous that time. I couldn't help it, we even excused her to campus guard to admit her inside since it's my first day of class. Yeah-yuh shame on me.
But you know, mama's proud about that because It seemed to her that I was not ashamed of her accompanying me inside the campus. The first two weeks, mama always fetch me in school, then she taught me how to go alone. Again it was scary at first, Manila is too far from our place. Besides there are lots of hobo around the area. But then again I learned how to go alone.
It wasn't easy at first but I carry on.
When I had my first work, I was nervous I cried a lot. That time I felt what was it like when you are in a position where you cannot please everyone. My co-worker made me feel she's better than me. That I do no good. She was senior, but the hell I care, I give it a shot. Told her how she acted weird. Told her to back off I have nothing to do with her qualms. She should mind her own business! A week later, when I can no longer ease to see her face, I decided to let go. First, I am not happy anymore, second the office is too far from my place, third she's got a face that annoys me.. A LOT! When my manager asked me about it, I told her I can no longer work since it's too far from home. But she didn't believed. She told me to retract my resignation, and see things if it gets better. But I said sorry, it is non-negotiable. She fished for more, but better of she look for the reason on her own. I dont want to burn bridges, besides that annoying face has no bearing to cut my relationship to other colleagues. She wont matter after resignation anyway...
So I resigned. Right after I quit I was totally relieved. I felt one thousand times better than ever. Then I looked for a new job. And all alone, I bagged it! Was so happy that time, it gave me confidence to face challenges. I learned that oranges are not the only fruit.
On my second job, I learned that quitting is not always an option. I learned to be patient since it is also a bit far from my place, the salary is a thousand bucks cheaper than the first and the environment is non-techy. Oh darling I learned to use paper and pens like back to basic. I learned to mingle with sorts of people, I was a production supervisor. I handle more than a dozen of people plus those in logistics. If they fail, I fail.
No time for crying, so I learned to be tough. I learned that in times of difficulty, it is more useful to get out of your comfort zone take risk and explore on options. Sometimes even if I live by rules it cannot suffice to ever changing events, so I need to bend and make some exceptions to make things work.
I learned as I grow old, decisions are more complicated. Before it was like what candy to buy, now who will stay and who will get fired. Darn! I hate that when it is on my hand to put the verdict to someone. But what can I do? It is all part of growing up.
On my third job, I learned to flirt. Not that I dont flirt from my previous company, it is just that I am busy.
This time, my work requires for tech savvy, I am now a certified developer. No field work, not much of physical thing, just my computer and me. Many office-mates had confess their admiration which I did not get when I was in college due to my regrettable geeky sense of style. I regret that up until now since I should have had many admirers ( I actually do "i-cant-see-you"/ "i-cant-hear-you" drama, roll eyes , rant etc etc in short i was snobbish - actually a man hater! YIKES i totally don't get the idea do i??! ughugh tange!)
So there, I had my first boyfriend. I was kind of experimental, since I am NBSB. So I tried since he's senior and he's in a circle of friends who are tech savvy too! They are like the populars in our project, in short I was awestruck by his group of friends. I am not sure it was a good idea, but we clicked. And the story goes so-so... Then we moved up to the ladder, we both transferred to a new company.
This fourth job, I lost my individuality a bit. I was kind of lax, I was almost in the edge of forgetting what I wanted to do in my life. What are the things I love most, where I want to go, what I want to explore. I almost lost them, but I have my boyfriend so I thought it was enough. But it isn't. I wanted to find myself so I broke up with him. Then when I decided to move on and turned my life's wheel upside down - Found a new job so I moved out. I learned a lot you know. First, to not take for granted special times together with your love one, second, to always take time to find yourself - even if you are in a relationship, third, to not drown to other's opinions of you because in the end it is what you do for yourself that shapes you as a person (like become a better Frances), fourth to not be ashamed to anyone and simply be true to myself, fifth, to always be thankful no matter what even if circumstances almost killed me I still believe the hardest problem is the best mentor, sixth, I trust God above all, I put my faith in Him, seventh, I learned to be myself again, eighth, I felt loved by friends, relatives and family once again, ninth, I felt the singlehood notion again but it is the kind of hopeful one, that when the right man arrives I promise to do good in the name of love, just like the love of God, tenth, I learned to be happy for the past, because it gave me life when I needed it the most and it also gave me the opportunity to express the love I suppose to give and received it back too, eleventh, I learned to trust my instincts, now I know it is 99.9% true, twelfth I learn to give, forgive, let go and love again, thirteenth, that LOVE is the ULTIMATE MAGIC, the adventure of a lifetime that I wouldn't dare to miss!
Here I am on my fifth job, becoming more of me, accomplishing things on my own, saving for my future, building my dreams little by little, living a kickass singlehood life, experimenting, loving, caring, eating, travelling, spending, shopping, working out, working, learning new stuff a day, singing, dancing, playing, still ranting, Oh it's morning! It is no longer dark outside, I havent slept! waaa We are going to grocery store later and eastwood for dinner, probably get my bazzar red velvet cupcake yum-eeee waa im still zombie wide awake! darn so much of this I think you get the point! Just stay happy, be single if you're not yet ready, find yourself, explore dream discover that's what they say!
When you are ready it will just happen, by chance, by accident, by purpose in His perfect time! SMILE DEAR!
night night!
xoxo,
Fran!
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